Late gazes. Not upon the night sky, or pictures off dirty magazines, just the ceiling. Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping on time. Waking up for sahur isn’t really a problem, but waking up for early classes; like poking my eyeballs out. Staring at the ceiling makes me think a lot, mostly about life. I hate it. Everytime I think about life, I’m reminded of the things I lack, things I don’t have, things I want but can’t have. It’s degrading, it’s unhealthy.

When I can’t sleep, I think, when I don’t think, I can’t sleep, I’m just breathing, and doing nothing is harder than thinking.

It’s August, no wonder, it’s that time of the year again. Every August has been hard since college started. No idea why. I get lonely for no reason. I think a lot for my own good. Actually it isn’t loneliness, it is more like, a form of solitude. It doesn’t have anything to do with girls really. I could be in a relationship right now and still feel it. It’s weird. I could remember and describe last August vividly. It’s as if August is in a different time zone, a different dimension on its own.

Introspective. That’s it. I get introspective as fuck. Standing at the balcany in the middle of the night, staring into distance, thinking about anything but what I’m seeing. It’s funny when I think about it, but above all, it’s just weird.

It’s not like I’m feeling any pain though. Pain doesn’t really describe this feeling. It’s more like; confused. This thing that I’m going through, it’s not exactly bad or good. I don’t wish it to go away, nor do I wish to go through it every night.

Music isn’t really helping, oddly enough. Since 4 days ago I’ve been listening to one particular song every night without miss; ‘The last time he saw Dorie’ by Copeland. It makes me feel slightly better. I feel as if the song carries clarity.

Being introspective inspires me to write more, but weird thing is, I run out of things to write about. I can’t think about anything general to write, or rather, my emotions tend to take over my sense of logic.

I could go on with this post forever…


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