2010 has been 0.0 at the very least. A lot of things happened, a lot of money spent.

Money wise. Geez my family’s been spending money throughout the whole year as if 2012 was really the last year of our lives. Vacation here, vacation there, a new ps3, iPod, second-hand iPhone for my mom, iPod nano for my brother, new shoes, new clothes, new car. Without a doubt, the most money my family’s spent in a whole year.

I often make new year resolutions and not follow through, mostly because I don’t really care about them haha. However this coming new year, I think I’m going to try my best to follow through. Besides, I’m 21 next year, I’m old enough to vote la!

1. Be less selfish towards my family. – Yes I have been saying that I’m going to be less selfish every new year’s eve, but this year I’ve finally realized how selfish I’ve been, and I’ve been gradually changing to be less selfish and more thoughtful, and it’s really fun in a way, because it makes you feel good bwahaha.

2. Listen to more good music. – Last.fm has been a blessing. Thanks to it I’ve discovered countless new artists, thanks to its feature called ‘similar artists’.

3. Exericise more – Not that I lack THAT much of exercise but I could do more workouts. I WANTS ABS.

4. Love and be loved equally – I’m tired of caring about someone who doesn’t even give a damn about me, I’m gonna rage quit in being nice. KTHXBAI

5. Be loyal – Now that I finally have a steady girl, I better stay loyal and stop thinking about getting it on with other people. haha.

6. Get this relationship to last throughout the whole of 2011 – This is probably the resolution I’d try my hardest to fulfill. I’m tired of fooling around, of uncertainty and just chilling. It’s time for some serious business baybeh.

7. Use this blog more – This was my first ever blog. Created by Shells! I really want to post more stuff here because seriously, wordpress is really convenient.

Guess that’s about it. Gonna spend new year’s eve at Izz’s place cos he’s kewl enuf to let us use his place. thx izz! Happy new year soon everybody.

A lot of people have been complaining about having too much time now, including me. When there were still classes, we wanted more time, now that we get it, we don’t know what to do with it.

I could look for a job. Lazy. But at least I’m studying the slides my dad had given me. Things about computers and wireless connections. Next week he’s taking me to the launch of his company’s latest project with TV3, should be cool. Putting doing something beneficial aside, what about having fun?!

Erm, road trip’s got cancelled since some of us are busy. Understandable . Ps3′s busted? NOT UNDERSTANDABLE. My dad said we could get a new one after my brother’s done with his SPM so at least there’s something to look forward to.

Going to watch Harry Potter with a good friend tomorrow. Haven’t seen her in ages. Another thing to look forward to.

So I’ve been sitting at home practically just breathing and eating and going to the bathroom and oh, sleeping. Other than that, been doing things that people with too much time normally do. Shower three times a day. Eat five times a day, and open the fridge every half-hour even though you pretty much know what is and what’s not, inside of it.

Downloaded numerous albums. I love You but I’ve Chosen Darkness and Blonde Redhead are being played a lot on my ipod. Good stuff. Been playing the PSP like nobody’s business.

In a week or so my cousin’s going to be on break from work since he’s getting married in mid december, hence amma be at his place playing COD Black Ops on his ps3, CO-OP bitches. Mind you I used to be very good at FPS, until RPG took over me. Oh, did I mention I’m probably going to be his best man? Yet another thing to look forward to. Plus it lets me wear formal/traditional clothes that I wouldn’t normally wear on a regular day.

Although holiday’s just started and things may seem gloomy and boring, I look forward to the anticipated karaoke and of course, BADMINTON.

Love is lost
Missing what we had
Was it real?
It was bad
I loved us anyways.

Lovers we were
Lovers we’ll be from then
There was no her
Just you but that was then.

One day we’ll be together
and life will be better (Banks, P 2002)
I don’t believe
I hope
It’s no joke
Don’t choke.

Letting you go was easy
It got harder
Slowly, killing
Wider, border, bother
Staring at the ceiling.

You don’t think of me I know
We glow, but it doesn’t show
Because you stopped caring
and I’m not surprised
Maybe you never did
Maybe I always did
Who knows
I don’t
We lacked wit.

I let go (I can’t)
I accept (I don’t)
I smile (I smirk)
I’m happy for you (You’re happier with me).

What we had
I still don’t know
I am glad
That I let go
Without a word, a useful one
An effective one
A defective wand.

Let me go (You already did)
Stop caring (You never did)
It wasn’t all lies
All was just deceptions
That deceived us both.

Living in denial
I dial
Your number but there’s no answer
Just the machine saying our love has falter

There was no love
There was no romance
There was just us, holding hands
Sharing an umbrella, wishing on a dove
Everything was clearer up above.

Hey, can I take a time out? Time has been running too fast for me to catch my breath. Let me lean back a little bit. Let me breathe in and out without having to worry about catching up, or growing old. Let me make a mistake and have time to fix it. Let me be confused and have time to think about it for a bit. Let me be in love and have time to appreciate it. Let me be out of love and have time to heal. Let me watch a movie without having two hours go by.

Is it me, or do people stop caring about their birthdays and age when they turn 20? Seems like birthdays and age don’t really matter anymore. Back in the days, when you turn 15 or 16, it was a big deal. I was very excited in becoming older. When you’re 18 or 19 or 20. you stop caring, or care less.

Hey, can I take a time out? Let me sit and not worry about changing or changes. Let me stare at the stars and clouds for a bit longer. Let me feel every emotion religiously or at least, passionately. Let me find someone to love, hate, and love again.

Is it me, or do people take advantage of a lot of things? We don’t learn from our mistakes as much as we hope to. When we have too much to be thankful for, we struggle to juggle; to appreciate. If time stopped solely to let us think and cherish, would we change, or would we take advantage of it too?

Hey, can I take a time out? Just please, let me breathe for a bit. I know I waste a lot of time doing nothing and gaming, but maybe, I just need more time.

Can you hear the waves crashing? Slowly, soothing, surely, peacefully. Can you interpret their message? ‘Slow down’ they say. Slow down, slow hands, slow tongues; pace is the trick.

Don’t be afraid. I’ll grasp your skin as we traverse through the stars, leaving our bodies on the peak of the lighthouse. Breathe in, breathe in, begin, begin.

Let us ‘sleep’ under this roof made of bondage that is you and me.

Don’t stop smiling. Fly as you might, and I shall do the same. Can you feel my heart beating? Can you comprehend its emotions? Can you tell if I’m still sane? Of course you can. You answered everything with an honest smile.

You hide in blankets in the morning, refusing to wake up and face the day. Instead you’d rather we lie down and just….just be in love.

It helps with the lights out doesn’t it? With night wrapped around us. We don’t see with our eyes, we don’t judge on the outside. We feel every ounce of beauty, we taste every bit of sweetness. We don’t see, we experience.

This is the time. A time for us to be so small, and still feel secure. A time for you to exit every room, saying ‘next exit; love.’.

Inspired from: Interpol

Been sitting at home Dota-ing. Going to be doing the same until first day of raya, when I will ‘balik kampung’ to Melaka that evening. It is a friday by the way, this coming friday. I miss eating in college during the day, but Ramadhan has been great. Good thing I’ve been able to fast despite having pain here and there. Baju Melayu this year is green. Light green? Dark green? Let’s just say it’s in the middle. Going to wear it for the first day of class after Raya, hopefully it’ll be a good day.

Chose and cropped(spelling?) a picture on facebook and it automatically made it my profile picture. Funny story, I was actually looking for a decent picture for me to upload on my football manager 2010 profile, not for facebook. However cropping the picture that I wanted actually automatically made it my facebook’s profile picture! Before I could even remove it or change it back to default, Brianvoo commented on my wall. HOW DID PEOPLE NOTICE IT SO FAST. And then it was Imran. God I am so clueless about facebook. Looks like people there are connected more than I thought. Damn. It’s been interesting though, I can’t hold myself back from checking facebook everytime I have access to the internet. Great *sense the infinite sarcasm*.

Been watching Modern Family. Got them from Aaron who got them from Brian who got them from torrent (I think). It’s friggin awesome. Manny is just so cute he looks like my youngest brother. Serius! Not braggin! Phil is friggin funny. Love Gloria’s accent. Love Dylan the rocker dude, love his song.

Maybe baby I just wanna do you, do you.
Do you wanna do me, do me
Underneath the moonlight,
The moonlight tonight?

LOL Loved the episode so bad.

Planning to get an Ipod Touch. Gen 4 I guess, but it’s not gonna be here until like, next year or so. Better start saving money! Oh, my dad bought me a hard drive, something I’ve been wanting. 500G . Trascend. Dark red. About 200+. It’s actually great. Although I think one of my friends has the exact same one. Finally my laptop has some space to breathe.

Been downloading a lot of albums. Too many actually. In the end, all I’ve listened to is pretty much just Interpol. Their latest, self-titled album has been absorbing critics from here and there, but I think it’s pretty great. Nothing beats ‘Turn on The Bright Lights’ and ‘Our Love to Admire’ though. Antics was all right. Interpol, definitely top 3 on my list, guess I have to kick Muse or Tresspassers William out. Damn.

Track of the month is undoubtedly ‘Pace is the Trick’ by Interpol from OLTA. Awesome track. ‘Scale’ is another catch.

I really wanna watch RE in 3D. Woah that rhymes. Maybe a week after Raya. So people I know expect me to call you after Raya.

Silence. Silence reminds me of life. The joy, the pain, the love, the hate. I seem to dwell into kept emotions when it is too quiet. My thinking is straight, my memory is clear, sometimes I just want to break the silence, I guess that’s why I listen to music.

Music. Music breaks silence with passion and grace, allowing us, reminding us that somewhere out there in the world, there are others who’re going through the same deep pain as we are. Some songs seem to sing about our life more than theirs, and some songs, they just make you smile.

Smile. Smile is something I don’t do as much as I laugh. It’s different if you think about it. When I laugh, it’s because of something funny. When I smile, it’s because I’m truly happy. Is that weird? I think it is. I’m very opsimistic though, which is a good thing. The smallest things make me smile, and laughing, well, it is something that I really love.

Love. Love seems to travel in a compressed space where it has no room to breathe in or think. My love is buried without soil. It is dead, but refuses to believe so. It is black but it doesn’t believe in colour, at least not anymore. My love has aged well, only to be stuck. It has touched and been touched, only to be reminded of how good it feels. My love doesn’t consist a goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye is something I don’t truly believe in. Separation never really strikes me as something beneficial. Farewells are never happy, or good, it is just separation, and thinking that it is good is just a horrid obligation.

Obligation. Obligation and I don’t really get along. I am obliged to do a lot of things to different people, but I never truly did, and there is a slim chance that I will either and for that, I apologize. So, regarding this word; I don’t want to be friends.

Friends. Friends make my day, mine at least. I am thankful to god for these people. Never thought I’d meet a group of college students as crazy as I am. A lot of people seem to underestimate the value of having good friends, I just hope I don’t turn to one of them.

I’ve been wanting to go for a checkup for a while now. All the doctors I’ve seen at nearby clinics have told me the same thing. 1. I have gastric, and 2. I should avoid carbonated drinks. That morning I wasn’t expecting anything different, I just wanted to know how bad my tummy had gotten.

I arrived at the hospital precisely at 10a.m. I thought I was early, but it turned up that there were already 4 patients waiting to see the same doctor I was assigned to, friggin earlybirds. I had to wait for about an hour and a half till it was my turn. Went into the room, and the doctor did his thing. Asked me questions regarding my pain. He was rushing me like mad though. Wasn’t expecting the doctor to act like a politician; rude and hasty.

After the brief interview he couldn’t tell exactly what my problem was. I kept quiet and listened with a straight face, until he said;

“So it looks we have to look inside your stomach. We’re gonna put a tube with a camera inside your stomach to get the results.”

It shooked me, I shuddered a little. The first thing that was going through my mind was “Through my ass?!”

The question lingered in my head for a while. The nurse gave me an agreement letter to get me and my mother’s permission to carry out with this checkup. I read the notices one by one.

- Patient may experience trouble breathing throughout the process.
- There is a remotely low chance of death.

These are the only ones I remember. First, I was glad that it mentioned ‘breathing’, meaning that the tube will be going through my mouth. Second, death?! WTF?! I signed it anyways. If it was so dangerous, there wouldn’t be so many people in the waiting room.

They put me in the hospital’s robe. I looked so kick ass with the maroon robe and my black levi’s jeans. Firstly I had to go to this ultrasound-test thingy room. The doctor played around with my tummy with something that looked like a microphone, or if you’d prefer another comparison, a precise dildo. It was so ticklish I couldn’t help laughing. On my way out of the ultra-sound room there was this CUTE nurse. She looked like a chinese but she was a malay. Had short-hair too. Damn she was cute. She smiled at me as I went out, NO KIDDING!

After that was the moment of truth, the moment when they were going to put a tube through my throat. I was scared as hell. I was literally shivering. I was alone in the waiting room, wishing I had more people keeping me sane. My mother was told to wait outside, honestly I felt like a little boy who needed to hold his mom. The waiting was scary; it was cold, quiet, and people looked bluntly sad. I was asked to lie down on the readied bed, by who? The cute nurse. No wonder she was smiling. She was getting me ready for the scare of my life. She tucked me in a pink blanket. Yes. PINK, and held my left arm as the doctor was getting ready to inject me. I don’t know what it was, but it made me hazy and a little high. He sprayed some of that stuff into my throat too.

Now here’s the tricky part, until now, I can’t remember what exactly happened after that injection. All I remember is this. He put the tube into my mouth with haste, I swallowed it but I can’t remember how it felt like. After about 30 seconds, I felt this intense pain in my throat. It was as if a sharp straw was rubbing my tender throat. The pain wouldn’t stop, I couldn’t breathe for a while. The nurse looked at me and kept telling me to ‘calm down’ and ‘don’t panic’. I remember throbbing each part of my body like a fish on dried land. Sadly, that is all I remember. When everything was done, all I can remember is lying down in front of my mom, with her telling me to go to sleep. It’d been a while since I felt so secured and comfortable.

I slept for a while, it felt so long. I was woken up by the cute nurse. When I woke up, I was as empty as my love for cockroach. I didn’t know what was going on. I know this might sound cliche and surreal but when I was woken up all I saw was the cute nurse, and bright white lights. I couldn’t think of anything, I couldn’t even comprehend who the nurse was. It took me like 2 literal minutes to connect the dots. By then, I was high. Everything was moving so slow, people in robes and uniforms were passing me by. My mom was sitting next to me reading the newspaper. I was then sitting on the bed, trying to remember what exactly happened, but failed.

The nurse came back with milo and cream crackers. I ravished them, not even realizing that it was fasting month. Mom left me alone to get the payment done. I needed to pee, I tried standing but it was so hard. Weird thing was, I was feeling a lot better. The same nurse asked me from the nearby counter if I was okay, with a smile . Unfortunately, I can’t remember what I said, I think I ignored her and went to pee. UGH DAMMIT.

So in the end, the doctor told me something I haven’t heard in any clinics before.

“Amirul it looks like you don’t have gastric.”

I was so confused, I thought I was still sleeping. And he continued.

“What you have is most probably ?????”

?????Wth is???!!….hahaha! I didn’t know what it was back then, but after googling, I do now . It’s actually kind of serious, KIND OF, and I’m guessing it is kind of personal too, so I’m just going to explain to those who I want to know when I see them.

Word of advice; treasure your health. They’re priceless.

ADIOS~

When I can’t sleep, I think, when I don’t think, I can’t sleep, I’m just breathing, and doing nothing is harder than thinking.

It’s August, no wonder, it’s that time of the year again. Every August has been hard since college started. No idea why. I get lonely for no reason. I think a lot for my own good. Actually it isn’t loneliness, it is more like, a form of solitude. It doesn’t have anything to do with girls really. I could be in a relationship right now and still feel it. It’s weird. I could remember and describe last August vividly. It’s as if August is in a different time zone, a different dimension on its own.

Introspective. That’s it. I get introspective as fuck. Standing at the balcany in the middle of the night, staring into distance, thinking about anything but what I’m seeing. It’s funny when I think about it, but above all, it’s just weird.

It’s not like I’m feeling any pain though. Pain doesn’t really describe this feeling. It’s more like; confused. This thing that I’m going through, it’s not exactly bad or good. I don’t wish it to go away, nor do I wish to go through it every night.

Music isn’t really helping, oddly enough. Since 4 days ago I’ve been listening to one particular song every night without miss; ‘The last time he saw Dorie’ by Copeland. It makes me feel slightly better. I feel as if the song carries clarity.

Being introspective inspires me to write more, but weird thing is, I run out of things to write about. I can’t think about anything general to write, or rather, my emotions tend to take over my sense of logic.

I could go on with this post forever…

New semester’s just started. Things are looking good. Life’s great actually. Despite recent loss, things have been kicking up. Catch up with friends, switching stories just like old times again . Semester’s subjects are interesting, except reporting for print; SO MUCH WORK. Although, the lecturer is cute so…:)…no complaints there. Digital storytelling seems mighty interesting. Can’t wait to start shooting videos.

Found a new hobby. BADMINTON. The last time I played badminton, or even touched a badminton racket before recently was primary school. It’s been so long, but I’m catching up! Just you wait Voo Lin Dan, Tan Chong Wei and Hafizzuddin Hashim!

Been listening to a lot of new (as in never listened before not NEW literally) bands recently like Distrails, Lydia, Deas Vail. They kick so much ass. I’ve also been listening to a lot of Final Fantasy soundtracks. They are just SO SAD, but I love them.

Been playing a lot, A LOT, A LOT LOT of DOTA. It seems like the more I play, the better it gets. It’s crazy. Been experimenting with new items. Totally love magic wand <3.

Liverpool's white away jersey KICKS ASS. Can't wait to get one. The original one of course. Looking forward to the new season, JOE COLE BABEH!

Gonna take a time out from <3. Past 2 months have been really crazy, time to get new games to fill my extra time again haha.